Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Dick ride

Every time when I think about my drained idea resources, my dear friends provide me with yet another story worth sharing. Again, such evening occurred yesterday and I still feel thrilled to have taken part in last night’s drink. To cut to the chase, there was much talking about penises and bicycle rides. You can’t seem to find any connection? Try harder...
A gorgeous friend of mine (yes, yes, tall, blond, long slim legs...) lives on the outskirts of Ljubljana. To go to work she frequently uses bike (perhaps this is the reason for her exquisite legs?). Nothing very unusual so far. It seems we need to go farther, so let’s do it.

Did you enjoy the ride?

Relaxing afterwork ride home can become a race in an instant, whether you are prepared for it or not. Coming closer to her house, there was on the pavement, sitting on a bike and embracing a traffic light, a slightly drunk person. To be quite honest and sticking to a facts in the story, it is fair to say that there was a very drunk man hugging the pillar. She passed him by with great caution as it seemed he might fall any minute now. However, his ability to sit upright so drunk on a bike triggered a pure amazement.
After a few minutes heavy breathing and undefined other sounds were coming from behind her back. She ignored it al long as she could, but as women are curious by nature, she had to turn and look eventually. Done so, she established that the sight was not so magnificent. The drunken dude was following her and - horror of all horrors - masturbating while literally chasing her. She pushed a little harder, her pedals rotating briskly. The drunken dude was still following her. How’s that possible? He was barely able to stand straight, but now he was performing his very own version of Tour de France. Luckily she was in shape and she could have gone like this for long, but there were some red lights involved (the traffic light - don’t get nasty-minded), so she had to stop. As she looked at him, she gave him the “come on!” look and said: Oh, come on! Could you just go away, please? His reply was perhaps somewhat different from expected: Just a little now... little... rghhhh arghh. Ahhhh... That was it. He had concluded his street art performance. However, Mr. Dick van Ride remained polite and even thanked her in the end.
Well, at least he had manners.
This got me to thinking... Is there any law that defines the highest allowed speed while masturbating? You know, something like Ministry of Health advises: don’t drive and masturbate. No need to speed under those circumstances.
Perhaps something to think about. They are discussing about useless laws all the time, anyway...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My way on the highway

The summer’s evidently started. Empty office desks, bars crowded in the evenings and roads fully packed with transitory or visiting tourists. As for me... I am still waiting for my dose of vacation pills. Not for long, though. In between scary-hilarious things shall and will occur. Like this one I am about to tell...
On my working day on the way from place A to place B, which takes about an hour, I had stopped for some coffee at a gas station. 
A major part of Slovenian gas stations has great sweetish tasting coffee from vending machines. If you’re reading this and would like to taste it, gas stations are called Petrol with red billboards all over. 
Anyway, on my way to caffeine injection, while holding a briefcase in my hands (this is very important), I had heard someone yelling after me. Noting specific, just hey hey! At first I hadn’t been sure, I am the person yelled at, so when the voice had come closer and hadn’t stopped, I had turned around. A young man, dressed like he was heading to the beach (obviously, you’ll understand that later) had been talking to me.
Me: Yes?
Him: Are you going to the beach? (you do see now the connection, don’t you?)
Me: No. 
A briefcase is according to my imagination a visible sign a person is not going to the beach, but what do I know.
Him: Aha. Ok. Just asking.
Me: Sure. No problem.
Let me mention, that place B I was about to visit due to a meeting, was on the seaside. Hence the briefcase on the way to the shore.
I had sat in my car and continued my working journey toward the beach with my coffee (and Twix, as the matter of fact).
Coffee gone.
Twix gone.
Soon after that I couldn’t help but notice that a silver BMW was constantly following me. As  it wanted to pass me by, my eyes caught the guy. That same guy from the gas station. Ok. Even more, while trying to overtake me (emphasis on “trying” - he did not try to do that, as the matter of fact), he just drove parallel with me. On a highway. For quite some time. WTF?!?!? Does my appearance scream The fast and the furious fan? Most certainly not.
I had remained calm, not looking at him, but just driving in my direction, constantly battling against myself not to show him the middle finger. Is this normal nowadays? Picking up a girl on a highway while almost flying on the road? 
No, I wasn’t really speeding. Yet. Until repetition occurred. He had started driving really slowly, I overtook him, then he tried to do the same. That happened a few times. Then I had had it. 
More speed!
Even more speed!
I had lost him before a tunnel... Story ended here.
Is there a lesson in it? Not really sure about it. I am kinda lucky not to get a speeding ticket. I seriously doubt they would be convinced by a stalker story. 
There are some details missing, such as my manicure performed in the car, because I wanted to look as stupid as possible - I thought he might give up on me. No. It didn’t work. Now he’s probably telling a story about a mad women doing her nails while driving. It’s fine by me...

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Old dicks, new tricks

Gosh, how I love creative weekends... And by creative I mean spending time with my girlfriends. This time it was the seaside. Although there was a lot of sleeping (just plain sleeping - the old-fashioned way, no bed hopping or anything promiscuous), some intriguing conversations were involved. Among us mostly, but that doesn't mean there's nothing new to add or, better yet, learn.

I always thought male equipment is divided to short, long, circumcised, uncircumcised, too big for hand-grab, too small for hand-grab and just right for hand-grab. Well, it came to my knowledge that there is much more behind this simple math that I've been living by for many many years.
Just to mention few, let me start with the worst kind. Cone-shaped dick. Apparently I can be extremely happy not to have encountered one on my journey of penis stories. According to my secret information source (perhaps penis moles?) cone-shaped dicks are a punishment for women. Physically and mentally (the latter because it takes much pretending to enjoy the activity). After first closer confrontation with the monster there is only one thing to do. And one thing only. To avoid the second rendezvous. My friend simply didn't answer the phone. For many times. It seems that the cone-shaped dick licked... ups, liked her, though.

Momentarily, mushroom season is off the topic, however, there's a certain type of mushrooms we need to mention. Again, I have no idea, what were they talking about, nonetheless, my penis moles didn't really approve mushroom type of penis. The head is oversized for the rest of it, so after first exciting seconds, inevitable disappointment follows. Waiting for something to happen... no. No proper action whatsoever.

Have you heard of a perfect penis? My friend's new boyfriend is in possession of a sample, as reported by the lady in question. Why do I know that? Simply because she is yapping about it constantly. When I hear the phrase Have I told you about his perfect dick? the hair on my neck stand up. Yes, she repeated it so many times that even grandmothers on the bus have heard the rumor, probably. Nevertheless, such jewels evidently exist. And girls love them. Boy, do they love them.

And now, last but not least, circumcised ones, or cabriolet, as we like to call them. I think I don't stand alone, if I name the group interesting. Geographically they are pretty rare in our European area, but I would give them thumbs up. Other ladies who have tested that kind of an instrument would more or less agree on the matter.

So, what's your favorite shape? Something to think and dream about...


P.S. Watch this trailer.