Saturday, February 23, 2013

Man's style through woman's eyes

Yesterday evening I was having my regular Friday night drinks with the ladies. For the first time in a long time we talked just a little about sex, to be more precise, about circumcised penises and what equipment suits our needs better (this "penis topic" is an open always ongoing discussion seen somewhere here). Then all of the sudden we came to the yet unknown territory. Males outfits. It's not that we don't have an opinion of our own about it (yes, women have an opinion about basically everything, even the stuff we are completely clueless), it's just that we haven't been taking about it. Since a friend went out on date with a guy that completely suits all of the descriptions below, we need to address the matter asap. And from what we discovered, this hidden but very public subject should be approached more frequently.

Let me begin from the bottom...


Any kind of hiking, trekking option is a total no-no, unless you are (obviously) hiking somewhere in the nature and everyone around you is dressed in the same way. Which is completely appropriate, even desired. 
Crocs are instant deal breaker. I am very strict about this particular piece of horror. If it was up to me, I would force people with Crocs pay some sort of penalties, although they are being worn just around the house for gardening section. No. No. No.

Trousers, jeans, pants

First and probably most important is the length. Pants are not supposed to dance freely around your ankles. Ankle length is allowed with skinny tight pants (you know, the version seen mostly on hipsters), and even in this case they cannot move around the ankle since they completely wrap your legs.
How high? What? How high is you waistline, I mean. Gentlemen, please... If we can actually see your family jewels while standing straight (one ball on each side hanging over a male version of camel toe, or both on one side - I can't really decide which is worse), get rid of these pants. Immediately if not sooner.

Upper body clothing

There is a whole variety of clothing worn as a top, so I am just going to point out the most critical mistakes men make.
Fancy shirt under a sweatshirt. What, you're going clubbing after gym, or straight to the hills after party? I am not really getting this combination, and - as it seems - no woman does.
Sponsored t-shits. You can wear them for cleaning, repairing your car, running, waking your dog, just being at home... but, please, for the sake of our innocent eyes, do not wear them under any circumstances on a Friday night. Thank you!

Ok, these are some basic instructions or, better yet, guidelines to follow. For detailed manual talk to you girlfriend, friend or even mom (that can be critical, so be careful when taking this path).

And remember... 

Fashion fades, only style remains the same.
- Coco Chanel


Saturday, February 2, 2013

Female facts

Women tend to fantasize on a regular basis in comparison to men. Lack of imagination? Or simply lost of touch with firm grounds? It makes no difference whatsoever. The fact is a fact. And it remains there regardless of reasoning. I came to thinking about this precise subject over some recent happening with the two friends of mine. A he and a she. He was a classic example of him, she was a schoolbook case of her. They have managed to get involved on a level higher than age of innocence, when innocence turned guilty. Guilty as charged. From storybook's point of view this ship was caught in a light breeze which made its progress effortlessly through the sea of love with no visible storm ahead. From 21st century's point of view the breeze was about to become a hurricane. Why is that so, many of you (especially men), might ask. Well, let me explain...

Women, correction, most women are capable of inventing some sort of reality after sleeping with a man. Their reality, that has nothing to do with the actual one, hence my conclusion about fantasizing in a daily routine. After some bedroom activities comes thinking about him. Not just a thought or two here and there, but serious full-time job type. When the burden of self-induced thoughts explodes out of handling proportions, it's time to call in some backup. Less subjective judges, also known as the friends. Since I don't want to be too harsh on women, I'll only mention subtly that those judges are (almost) never less subjective, since the procedure of bringing out conclusions goes through the same wheels in the brain. Analysis of every single detail worthy of a PhD thesis comes into full swing. However, results are vague (as in great part of PhD thesis). To be quite honest, there are still unsolved mysteries about the chicken and the egg, so how can we expect to deciphre man's way of perceiving women? Not by inventing umpteen versions of the same story (with happy ending, of course), I can tell you that.
If we look at the male version of after sex thinking, you shall soon be able to conclude, why there's a breeze turning to a hurricane...

So, men, on the other hand, forget about details. They actually stop thinking about you and go to work. They hang out with their friends not even mentioning your existence. Some of them are dating in between and praying upon other women. They go to gym, they eat and most of all they live. Have you noticed how much shorter this paragraph is? Do you understand? They live. We should think about doing the same instead of spending worthless hours discussing petty details and reviving memories. Go out. Laugh. Smile. Flirt. And most of all... If you want to see him, call him. It's not that he doesn't want to, he is just busy. Doing other things.

The prettiest conclusion is that that hurricane will become a light breeze again, when we realize the simplicity of male functioning. Yes, it is that simple...
Please, grab your phones, log in to chat, do your thing. And enjoy.